Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do, and…play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. …There are wealthy gentlemen in England who drive four-horse passenger-coaches twenty or thirty miles on a daily line, in the summer, because the privilege costs them considerable money; but if they were offered wages for the service, that would turn it into work and they would resign.
–Mark Twain, Tom Sawyer.
A powerful engine for personal change is in counseling what is called “reframing.” Reframing is the conscious redefining of a situation that can profoundly change our attitude about it for the better. Often, it is the way we perceive a challenge that affects our will to see it change. One counselor I knew, for example, met with a woman who had painfully endured the loss of her son. Her friends had been telling her right away to “get on with life,” and “get over it.” After several years, she felt hopeless and stuck in her intense pain. Upon hearing her story, the wise counselor gave her a surprising assignment: he asked her to go home and grieve! He told her to write a grieving journal, to cry, to share her pain with others. Within weeks, she felt improvement. Why? She needed permission to feel bad, to grieve. In a sense, the counselor reframed the pain she had felt– her friends had made her feel the pain was a nuisance, a dysfunctional problem. The counselor reframed it into a God-given love of a mother for her son broken and needing to be felt. Healing came through pain she now had permission to feel. Reframing.
This concept of reframing is applicable to much of life. How you and I perceive our challenges greatly affects how we tackle them. Is it a mountain or a molehill? Is it a duty or an opportunity? Is it another cloudy day robbing me once again of joy like an Eeore. Yet another item on the list of complaints. Or, is this challenge an expected new opportunity to demonstrate patient endurance and persistence? Reframing.
Recently, in our church, I concluded a series of teachings on peacemaking. One of the profound lessons of the peacemaking study was that conflict, though unpleasant, is actually an opportunity– to learn about myself, my needs, my weaknesses, my pet agendas, my flaws. It is in the crucible of conflict that I learn to trust in the peacemaking God more, to work through my own selfishness and control issues, and to sort through the profound and humbling nature of forgiveness. Reframing.
In his classic novel, Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain paints a picture of young Tom as a restless adventurer eager to get out of work whenever possible. When commanded by his aunt to white wash a long stretch of fence, Tom discovers a quality of human nature that is a powerful force for motivation– if a task is a chore, dutifully to be done, it is a burden we will go to great length to avoid. But, if seen as an enviable opportunity, we’ll make great sacrifices to have the privilege of doing it! When Tom reframed the white washing chore into an enviable privilege, he saw his friends actually paying him for the honor of helping. Soon, the crafty Tom was sitting back, with an ever-growing collection of trinkets paid to him by friends eager to white wash the old fence. Reframing.
Though the Tom Sawyer account is one of manipulative laziness, the same sort of reframing can spawn admirable work in our own minds. In my family, we strive to have a weekly evening of family time reserved for fun, games, prayer, and memories. One such family evening, instead of focusing on fun and bonding time, my wife and I decided to do outdoor work on our property with the children, followed by a discussion about what we learned. Hauling big branches up a steep hill, clearing an area of unsafe rocks, picking up trash, the kids were thinking, “What type of family time is this?” But in discussion later, we asked the children the question, “Does family time always need to be playing games and being entertained?” We spoke of the profound way in which togetherness as a family sometimes means hard work together, expending energy to accomplish something good. Over the years, I’ve heard some people say, “Oh, I don’t get involved in church or community volunteering because family time is more important.” In my mind, this is a false dichotomy. How is spiritual or community involvement suddenly at odds with family? They should be melted into one. Reframing.
